Friday, March 31, 2006 Quotes March 31, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
2- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
3- Q: What is the definition of divorce? A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
4- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
5- I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

A pic for a girl infected with bird-flu

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

The chicken replies "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself". ( Contradictory Words ) March 31, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Virgin Mother.
2- Beyond Infinity.
3- Contract Out (con-tract = shrink).

Thursday, March 30, 2006

All women should have one Quotes March 30, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile.
2- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
3- When your dad is mad and asks you: "Do I look stupid?", Don’t answer him.
4- If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -- Anatole France
5- When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Drive Through ( Contradictory Words ) March 30, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Non-Alcoholic Wine.
2- Quiet Noise.
3- Small Crowd.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 Quotes March 29, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
2- Get Rich or Die Trying.
3- A good friend bails you out of jail... A great friend is sitting in jail with you saying "that was fun!"
4- If oranges were blue, what would they be called??
5- Whether you are ugly or good looking, it is nice to have a face.

Directors Mistakes

Always Remember

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them! ( Contradictory Words ) March 29, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Dynamic Equilibrium.
2- Good Shit.
3- Little Giants.

Monday, March 27, 2006 Quotes March 27, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- The safest way to cross life's streets is to hold hands.
2- I have so much love to give, but nobody to give it to.
3- To seek opinion from others means you are unsure.
4- My goal in life is to live till I die.
5- Love is like heaven but hurts like hell.

Picture of the Millenium

Economic Strategies

New economic strategies to enhance your investment opportunities in 2006,

You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise in all magazines and Cable TV. You create a Cow City or Milk Town . You sell off their milk before the cows are milked, to both legit and shady investors, who hope to resell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two month time. You bring Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods to milk the cows to attract attention.

You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows, in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

Since milking the cow involves nipples, the gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have the cow at one side of the curtain and the guy milking the cow on the other side; or to hire females and train them to milk the cows ... the debate is still going on.

You have two cows. Some high gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The gov't tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the govt and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decide to employ ten Bahrainis to milk the remaining cow at the same time to cut back on unemployment.

You have two cows. One is owned by Syria , the other by the Lebanese gov't, both are milked by Syrian Laborers during their free time as informers.

You have two cows. Both vote for Mubarak!

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

You have two cows and have no idea what to do with them. It doesn't really matter, you go on strike anyway because you feel you need three cows.

You have two cows. You count them and find out you have five cows. You count again and find out you have eight cows. You count again and out you have 20 cows. You are so happy, you stop counting and open another bottle of Vodka.

You have two cows. Both are mad. ( Contradictory Words ) March 27, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- True Gossip.
2- Approximately Equal.
3- Climb Down.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Karate School Classroom Quotes March 26, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- A drink a day keeps the shrink away. -- Edward Abbey
2- Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished. -- Leslie Nielsen
3- Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
4- If you have the desire, you are halfway there.
5- Those who are at war with others are seldom at peace with themselves.

I want those ones!!

Lessons for Life

Lessons for Life:

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Memorize your favorite poem.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or loaf all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives, or by the life they were born into

12. Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

14. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Call your mother.

16. Say, "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

18. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.

19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it

21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

22. Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be even more important.

23. Spend some time alone.

24. Open your arms to change but don't let go of your values.

25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

26. Read more books. Television is no substitute.

27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

28. Trust in God but lock your car.

29. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.

30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

31. Don't just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.

32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

33. Be gentle with the earth.

34. Pray or meditate. There's immeasurable power in it.

35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

36. Mind your own business.

37. Don't trust anyone who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.

38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. It is wealth's greatest satisfaction.

40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

41. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

42. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

44. Live with the knowledge that your character is your destiny.

45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. ( Contradictory Words ) March 26, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Natural Additives.
2- Player Coach.
3- Sharp Curve.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Chinese sick leave - "I no come work today!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..... You got nice house."

Dangerous kid Quotes March 25, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
2- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
3- In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. -- Woody Allen
4- A lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.
5- There is life after death.. Make sure you plan for the after life...


Prison vs Office

You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
You spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

You get three meals a day (free).
You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

You get time off for good behavior.
You get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

A guard locks and unlocks the doors for you..
You must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

You can watch TV and play games.
You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

You get your own toilet.
You have to share.

They allow your family and friends to visit.
You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

You spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.


Which Sounds Better? ( Contradictory Words ) March 25, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Dim Light.
2- Fresh Dried Fruit.
3- Jumbo Shrimp.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Minutes before death Quotes March 24, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- We are all angels with one wing. It is by embracing each other that we learn to fly.
2- It's good to have an open mind, but sometimes it needs to be closed for repair.
3- It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. -- Warren Buffett
4- Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. -- Napoleon Bonaparte
5- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Do you dare to be there? ( Contradictory Words ) March 24, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Surprised Psychic.
2- Aircraft Black Box (It's painted orange!).
3- Calm Winds.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Corporate Vocabulary

What those words on yearly performance reviews REALLY mean

1- Outgoing Personality - Always going out of the office.
2- Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullshit.
3- Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone.
4- Work is first priority - Too ugly to get a date.
5- Active Socially - Drinks a lot.
6- Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does.
7- Quick Thinking - Offer plausible excuses.
8- Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision.
9- Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it.
10- Expresses Themselves well - Speaks English.
11- Meticulous Attention to Detail - Anit picker.
12- Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a louder voice.
13- Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky.
14- Keen Sense of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
15- Career Minded - Back stabber.
16- Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else.
17- Plans for Promotion/Advancement - Buys drinks for all the boys.
18- Of Great Value to the Organisation - Gets to work on time.
19- Relaxed Attitude - Sleeps at desk.

Giving birth in water Quotes March 23, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- What's the point of being immortal if your reason for living is dead?
2- If a man deceives me once, shame on him; if he deceives me twice, shame on me.
3- It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys. -- Longfellow Deeds - Mr. Deeds
4- The shortest answer is doing.
5- To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart.

Nice Shot

This is Email ( Contradictory Words ) March 23, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Mild Enthusiasm.
2- Partial Monopoly.
3- Sad Smile.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but I thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Workout at gym Quotes March 22, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- There are 3 types of people in this world: Those who can count and those who can't.
2- He who fights and runs away, lives to run another day.
3- If you can dream it, you can do it. -- Walt Disney
4- Temper gets us into trouble. Pride keeps us there.
5- Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

What women think about men.

1. Men are like ...... Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

2. Men are like ....... Bananas .... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ...... Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....... Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6.. Men are like ....... Commercials .... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ....... Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ...... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ...... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like .... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ...... Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

This is what I call a bad day. ( Contradictory Words ) March 22, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Daily Special.
2- Fighting Quakers.
3- Ice Water.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Ladies Kitchen Accesory Quotes March 21, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- Faith brings man to God, love brings him to men.
2- We are so busy making a living that we forget to make a life.
3- Money is an excellent servant, but a horrible master.
4- When a man gets so busy earning his salt he forgets his sugar.
5- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Shift Ctrl Enter

Daddy How was I born...

Daddy How was I born...

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!" ( Contradictory Words ) March 21, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Sports Sedan.
2- Wild Baby.
3- Boneless Ribs.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Do you feel like this at work?


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway

when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Soccer Quotes March 20, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die!
2- A politician that laughs when he makes a mistake already thought of somebody to blame it on.
3- Never look down on anybody, UNLESS you're helping them up.
4- The best advice is only as good as the use we make of it.
5- The difference between stupidity and being genius is that being genius has its limit.

How do you know when you are flying over Africa? ( Contradictory Words ) March 20, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Low Altitude.
2- One Person Crew.
3- Rebel without a Cause (Movie title).

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Take it off you .... Quotes March 19, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2- The greatest risk is not taking one.
3- A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
4- Eat right, stay fit and die anyway.
5- The answer doesn't matter if it's not a good question.

Everything is possible

Grandma and Grandson

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

Man, this teacher is really pissing me off ( Contradictory Words ) March 19, 2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Constant Change.
2- Expect the Unexpected.
3- Heavy Gas.

Saturday, March 18, 2006


A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years………

Suicide Quotes March 18, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- What you resist, persists. What you look at disappears.
2- True friends stab you in the front.
3- Don't cry for those who don't deserve your tears; and those who deserve your tears won't let you cry.
4- Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
5- Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

What is needed is a nice haircut

Why guns are easier than wives


10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times

7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one
reason a gun is better than a wife . . . .

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN. ( Contradictory Words ) March 18,2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Public Opinione.
2- Vacuum Cleaner.
3- Bankrupt Millionaire.

Friday, March 17, 2006 Quotes March 17, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.
2- Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
3- Flattery makes friends and truth makes enemies.
4- A man needs a good memory after he has lied.
5- A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart... and can sing it back to you when you have forgetten the words.

Only in

No age limit to being wild ( Contradictory Words ) March 17,2006

Oxymorons of the day

1- Going Nowhere.
2- Liquid Gas.
3- New and Improved.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Too much food for today

Read and think for a moment......

As I was passing the elephants, I suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.

I saw a trainer near by and asked why these beautiful, magnificent animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. "Well," he said, "when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it's enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away.

They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free." I was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn't, they were stuck right where they were.

Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before?

what pets do when we are at work (1)

what pets do when we are at work (2) Quotes March 16, 2006

Quotes of the day

1- Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.
2- If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? -- Steven
3- Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
4- Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
5- We are all born equals, it's what we do with our lives that sets us apart.

Have you smiled today?